Broker: DSCR pencils at 1.30x Lender: After ‘minor adjustments’ it’s 1.09x Appraiser: 9.5% cap because parking is ‘aspirational’ Client: So we still at 70% LTV? Me: Updating the model for the 37th ‘final’ time 🤡

Client: Need a 6 cap in West LA with 80% LTV Me (Broker): Sure, and I'd like a unicorn that signs an SNDA Lender: Send updated rent roll, estoppels, ALTA, Phase I, and your firstborn Appraiser: Using a 5.1 cap because 'market vibes' - DSCR says no 🦄 Excel: Deal pencils if TI/LC=$0, taxes freeze, and gravity takes a gap year

Broker: Underwrote 65% LTV at 6.25%, DSCR 1.35—light jog to close Lender: Cool, just need T-12, T-3, rent roll, your childhood report cards, and a Phase I by Friday Appraiser: Comps say $8.2M; your pro forma says $10M; I say… $7.3M and a dream 😂 Client: So… cash-out? Me: It’s cash-why 😵‍💫

Broker: We’re clear to close Lender: Drop updated T-12, estoppels, Phase I addendum, and a selfie with the DSCR Appraiser: Applied a 300 bps 'Vibe Adjustment' because the parking lot felt introverted Me @ 1:47 AM: Rebuilding the model for the 6th time, still at 1.24x—coffee is now recourse ☕️😂

Broker: NOI up 22%, clean T-12, leases tight Appraiser: neat, I used a 2016 comp from a cornfield and a cap rate I found on Bing Lender: we’ll close Friday* (*after updated PCA, ESA, ALTA, estoppel, and your firstborn) Me: CRE is about LOCATION—mostly where my sanity used to be 😂📉

Broker: 5-cap, full ask, lender loves it Lender: Cool—send T-12, rent roll, ALTA, estoppels, and your first-born 🧮 Appraiser: Best comp is a 2016 church 3 towns over—value down 12% Me: Re-underwriting at 2 a.m. while seller texts 'we still closing Friday?' 🤡

Broker: Value pencils at $12.8M, DSCR 1.28x, easy close Lender: Great—need updated T-12, third-party lease abstracts, and your childhood GPA Appraiser: Found a “comparable” barn from 2009 two counties over, value $10.3M Me: Rate lock expires Friday, GP group chat voting on selling kidneys 🥲

Broker: Proforma DSCR 1.35x, 5.25% cap, pencils to $12M—simple Appraiser: Using 2019 comps, $3/SF lower, cap +150 bps; value $9.1M Lender: Send estoppels, SNDA from the vape kiosk, and a Phase I for the raccoon Me: Recast to "stabilized in Q4"—Excel triggers circular-reference meltdown 💥

Broker: Easy close, seller flexible, cap rate “motivated” Lender: Send T-12/T-3/T-1, rent roll, estoppels, and your blood type Appraiser: Value based on comps from 2016 and ‘parking vibes’ discount 😂 Me at 2:07am recalcing DSCR: if HVAC is “emotional support CapEx,” do we close? 🥲

Broker: DSCR pencils at 1.30x; pro forma sings; cap rate 6.25%—hallelujah Lender: Cool, just need T-12, clean rent roll, estoppels, SNDAs, Phase I, ALTA, and your soul 🧾 Appraiser: Pulled a 2015 goat-yoga warehouse comp; value -8% for “market sentiment” Client: Can we close Friday? Me: After NOI stops hiding in CAM reconciliation 🤡

Broker: Comps at 300/SF, stabilized, zero haircuts Appraiser: Saw pigeons, so 212/SF and 9.25 cap Lender: Great, please shave 25% off NOI for market uncertainty 😂 Me in Excel: IRR still 18 if I hold 47 years and add Other Income line called Manifesting 🧮

Broker: Underwrote at 6.25% rate, 70% LTV, DSCR heroic, rent roll cleaner than my browser history Lender: Send T12, T24, YTD, a selfie with the roof, and proof the HVAC believes in cash flow Appraiser: Comped against a 1973 laundromat 42 miles away, adjusted negative for optimism Me: Excel says it pencils if taxes disappear, insurance un-exists, and cap rates rewind to 2019 🧮😵‍💫

Broker: Pro forma NOI $1.2M, easy $12M value, trust Lender: After T-12 haircuts, reserves, and vacancy, we’re at $9.3M—debt yield 10% or bust Appraiser: Extraordinary Assumption says $8.7M at a 6.75% cap—also, parking ratio vibes Client: Why is leverage dead? Me: Because spreadsheets have feelings now 🧮😬

Broker: NOI $1.2M; Lender: after normalization = $7.50 Appraiser: pulled a 2016 comp next door; Subject: an actual data center; verdict: retail-adjacent Client: Can we close Friday? Title: Need updated ALTA, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and your kindergarten report card Credit committee @4:59pm: 55% LTV, 1.35x DSCR, rate = market + vibes 🤡

Broker: T-12 uploaded, rent roll clean, DSCR 1.30x—let’s close Friday Lender: Need updated estoppel from the tenant who moved out in 2019 Appraiser: Used a 2015 comp from a cornfield and called it “urban fringe” 🧮 Client: Why is leverage 55%? Me: Debt yield said no, committee said nope-er Expectation: Clear to close. Reality: "One more third-party" at 4:57 PM 🔥

Broker: It’s a layup Lender: Cool, send rent roll, estoppels, 12 stress tests, and your blood type Appraiser: Pulled a 2016 comp—value’s 18% light 🫠 Me at 1:13 AM: Tweaks NOI by $0.07; DSCR flatlines 😵‍💫

Broker: Pro forma DSCR 1.30, T-12 squeaky clean Lender: Actual DSCR 1.24; add $600k equity and where’s the SNDA Appraiser: Value subject to roof, parking lot, and time itself; cap +50 bps Client: Still Friday close, right? Me: Rebuilding the model for the 17th time; my VLOOKUP ordered a Phase I 🧮😵‍💫

Broker: It's a $12M layup Lender: Send T-12, T-3, T-∞, global cash flow, and your last three app downloads Appraiser: Value $8.3M, subject to extraordinary assumptions and better comps existing somewhere Client: Can we still hit 80% LTC? Me: Rebuilding model tab 47, debt yield 9.99%, smiling like cap rates are a suggestion 😬

Broker: Pro forma shows 6.0% cap, DSCR 1.30x Lender: After taxes, reserves, and vibes... DSCR 1.01x Appraiser: Final value = 'nice try' 🧮 Me: Renegotiating TI, free rent, and my will to live

Broker: Clear to close Friday. Lender: Tiny update—need SNDA, 3 estoppels, Phase I addendum, and a rent roll notarized by Bigfoot. Appraiser: As-is value 12% low—used 2019 rents and a 100 bps cap bump 😬 Client: Can we just call it as-stabilized? Me at 5:01 PM opening Excel: New expense line: Miracles & Misc. 🧮