Broker: Base rent looks dreamy Landlord: NNN is just light housekeeping, ignore the fine print January CAM true-up: 15% admin fee + 105% gross-up + snow removal... in Miami 🤡 Tenant: Wait, didn’t we have a cap? Me at 1:47am in ARGUS + Excel: explaining why trash costs more than internet 🫠

Broker: TI is “turnkey” GC: Cool, which key opens the $40/sf gap? Landlord: We’ll sort it at CAM reconciliation 🙂 Me in Excel: one circular ref and the rent roll time-travels to 2019 🧯

Broker brain: $35/SF TI = glow-up GC: That buys doorknobs and an RFI about the doorknobs Landlord: CAM reconciliation arriving with interest and snow from 2021 My model in Excel: Rent +3%, change orders +300% — IRR now 'emotional return' 🧮😵‍💫

Client: TI is turnkey, right? GC: Turnkey as in you turn the key and alarms go off—ADA, power, sprinklers 🧯 Lender: Send final budget Me in Excel at 1:13 AM: +25% contingency, CAM gross-up, permit lag; pro forma still whispers 6.75 cap 😵‍💫

Underwrote TI at $45/SF; Q2 grand opening 🧮 GC: it’s $98/SF + 17 change orders; City: permit “after the parade”; LL: “throw it in CAM?” Lender: “final budget?” Me: FINAL_FINAL_v7_REALLY_FINAL.xlsx Pro forma IRR: entered witness protection 😬

Expectation: 12-week TI, $35/SF, clean CO by Q2 Reality: 36-week permit boss fight + 7 change orders + CAM 'true-up' plot twist Lender: 'Need final estoppels, GC lien waivers, and a selfie with the inspector' 😵 Me in Excel: Tab_97('maybe_final_final'): TI overage 🧮, cap rate on fire 🔥

Broker: CAMs are stable this year Property Manager: sends 27-line reconciliation with new security lighting and snow in July Tenant: I thought NNN meant Nothing-Nothing-Nothing Me at 12:59am rebuilding the model: DSCR died from CAM flu 🧮☠️

Broker: vanilla shell GC: it’s rocky road now — add $22/sf for ductwork, core drilling, and a hope tax Landlord: TI is $40/sf Me: amazing Lender: prove tenants are immortal before we fund CAM recon: surprise, security goats are landscaping 🐐 me at 2am redoing pro rata 😵‍💫

Broker: It’s a simple TI, 60 days tops GC: After demo we found 1912 wiring, 1987 asbestos, and a raccoon HOA Landlord: CAM true-up will “balance” it Me (modeling at 2am): does negative IRR qualify as ‘creative office’? 😵‍💫🧮

Expectation: $60/SF TI = shiny build-out; Reality: buys a doorknob and vibes GC math: 8-week schedule = 8 months + 17 change orders + 3 unknown unknowns 😵 Landlord delivering vanilla shell; me receiving sugar-free, walls-optional cone Lender at 4:59pm: one last item = cost-to-complete, new appraisal, and my soul 🤡

Broker: $60/SF TI, you're golden GC: That covers 3 doorknobs, half a wall, and a prayer Landlord: Warm vanilla shell = cold dark shell + HVAC TBD Lender: Send final budget; also rates moved 200 bps since breakfast Me in Excel: Delete a wall, call it open concept, pocket $80k 😵‍💫

Client: 'Just light TI.' GC: 'Found asbestos, 8 RFIs, MEP redesign.' Lender: 'New budget, new appraisal, same closing date.' Me: Rebuilding the pro forma at 1 a.m.; CAM waterfalls and retainage doing parkour 🔥 Expectation: May grand opening; Reality: Base Year set to 'Eventually' 🫠

Client: We can do the build-out for $45/SF TI, right? GC: For the paint—if we skip walls, doors, and HVAC lead times 😬 Me in Excel: $45/SF + 12% GC fee + 15% contingency + “one tiny” CO = pro forma on fire 🧮 Landlord: CAM is just an estimate. Me: So is my delivery date

Broker: Simple white box, 8-week TI, turnkey—what could go wrong? 🚧 GC: As-builts are cave art; add 6 weeks, 4 change orders, and a rogue grease trap. Landlord: TI allowance covers paint… maybe half a door; CAM still reconciles at 115% 😀 Lender: Need final budget, third-party inspection, and proof you started last Thursday.

Underwriting brain: TI 35/SF, GC 10% OH&P, 5% contingency, deal pencils 🧮 Construction reality: drywall is premium, doors backordered 26 weeks, inspector on sabbatical 🚧 Lender: send final budget; Me: before or after the as-builts lied and the beam appeared CAM season: expense stop says hi; 17-tab reconciliation says pay up; roof leak says surprise 🤡

Broker: It’s a simple vanilla box, 8-week TI Lender: Send final budget, signed GC contract, and proof unicorn exists GC: Surprise change order—HVAC is from 1987 and the roof is a rumor Buyer: Can we still hit a 7 cap? Me: DSCR says nope, but my CAM reconciliation says LOL 😂

Expectation: 'NNN, super clean.' Reality: CAM recon shows snow removal... in Phoenix. 🧊 Broker: Base year grossed-up to 95%. Tenant: So why did the roof become my roommate? Lender: We underwrote $0.25/sf. Landlord: Surprise 'not capital' HVAC filter surcharge. Me re-running the model for the 7th time while accounting whispers 'true-up': DSCR left the group chat 😵‍💫

Broker: TI done in 8 weeks GC: After permits, inspections, and 47 change orders Lender: Send final budget before we release the TI holdback City: We can’t find your third resubmittal, please re-upload 🧱 Me: Updating schedule to “Q4-ish” while CAM accruals age like fine Merlot 😵‍💫

Broker: TI done in 6 weeks GC: After permits, long-lead HVAC, and three ‘minor’ change orders Landlord: It’s a warm shell (code for bring your own walls, ducts, and hope) CAM: Surprise reconciliation—turns out your free rent financed the landscaping 😂🛠️

Expectation: 'Fixed CAM cap, clean TI budget' Reality: CAM true-up includes 'emotional support mulch' and TI hits Change Order #47 Lender: please sensitize +200 bps and +$6/SF CAM Client: thought NNN meant 'No Nasty Numbers' 🤡 Me: Rebuilding the model at 1:12 AM so the IRR smiles again 📉