Broker: It’s a 6 cap, day-one stabilized Lender: At 7.5% your DSCR is 1.09 Me to Excel: If I delete the taxes tab does DSCR go up 😂 County assessor: Surprise reassessment at closing, thoughts and prayers 🔥

Tenant: Why is my CAM 1.37% if I’m 1,200 RSF? Me (Property Manager): Base year 2019, 95% gross-up, three addenda, and Suite 300 ghosted in Q2—math said vibes. Owner: Can we “round” to pro forma? Excel: recalculates for 8 minutes then crashes like a Class C elevator 😬

Broker: DSCR pencils at 1.30x Lender: After ‘minor adjustments’ it’s 1.09x Appraiser: 9.5% cap because parking is ‘aspirational’ Client: So we still at 70% LTV? Me: Updating the model for the 37th ‘final’ time 🤡

Broker: It's a clean value-add Lender: Need 3 more rent rolls, 2 more T-12s, and your childhood credit score Client: Can we hit 7 cap day one with 90% LTC and free TI? Me at 2:03 AM in Excel: adds 'lease-up by vibes' cell, model still #DIV/0! 😂🧮

Broker: It’s a clean 6% cap, easy close Lender: Need T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, and a blood sample Excel: #DIV/0! #REF! then surprise—2025 taxes doubled and insurance tripled 🔥 Client: Can we retrade? Me: Sure, if DSCR goes from 1.09 to 1.25 on pure vibes 😂

Expectation: Buy NNN at 5.25% and go golfing Reality: County reassesses to Mars, 2019 CAM true-up resurfaces, roof dies during lender tour Broker: it’s stabilized | Lender: need T-12, T-3, T-FOREVER | Owner: still Friday close? 😬 Me in Excel: hide Column J, DSCR disappears; underwriting complete ✅