Broker: It’s a 12% cap, turnkey Me (underwriting): unmerges 86 cells, finds 'pls-ignore' vacancy tab; hello, 6.3% 🧮 Lender: send the FINAL-final model Excel: crashes; reopens in 1900 dates; Client: so we closing Friday or manifesting it? 🤡

Expectation: 6% exit cap, 3-yr IO, DSCR 1.30 — lender says easy button Reality: Excel unmerges one cell; DSCR 1.09; taxes jump post-sale; please add $850k TI/LC Client: can we bump rents 18%? Me: sure, if Starbucks anchors a cornfield ☕️ Lender 4:58pm: need rate cap, new Phase I, and sponsor liquidity selfie with today’s newspaper 😵

Proforma: DSCR 1.35 and a 6 cap — living the dream Lender after 'small' stress test: taxes + insurance + reserves = 0.99 Client: just 'optimize NOI' and still hit 65% LTV 🙂 Me at 2:12am: doing INDEX/MATCH Excel crimes on the T12 while the cap rate ghosted 📉

Broker: It’s a clean deal, light value-add, easy 6.0 cap Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and proof you can time travel Excel: DSCR 1.28x after 'Other Income - Vending/Manifestation' + negative TI/LC 😇 Reality: Taxes reset, roof cries, CAM true-up nukes NOI—hello 0.97x and my IRR left the chat Me at 4:59pm: refreshing rate lock while Argus and Excel fight in a parking lot 🥲

Broker: It’s a 6.0% cap, stabilized, value-add lite Lender: Send rent roll, T-12, SNDAs, estoppels, Phase I, ALTA, and three blood types Me: Excel says 1.35x DSCR… until I unhide Row 482 (free rent + 600k TI) 😐 Client: Can we close Friday if we retrade 2M after the retrade? 🤡

Broker: 'Pro forma is conservative' Excel: IFERROR(IF(DSCR>=1.25,'we're fine','lol'),'excel crimes unit notified') Lender: please explain $0 TI/LC on a 1984 office Me: it's called faith-based underwriting 🙃📊

Broker brain: “Pro forma is clean.” Excel: 42 hidden tabs, 7 circular refs, 1 VLOOKUP to nowhere. Lender: “Send the final model.” Me: renaming FINAL_final_v37_ACTUAL while praying to the cap rate gods 🙏 Client: “Can we close Friday?” Spreadsheet: adds ‘Roof 1998?’ and nukes DSCR to 1.19x 💥 Expectation: hockey-stick NOI. Reality: TI/LC hydra grows two heads every time I delete a row.

Broker: it’s a 6 cap day one, whisper price ‘firm’ Lender: after reassessed taxes, TI/LC, and reserves… hello 3.7 Client: can we close in 10 days with CMBS, SBA, and my cousin’s HELOC? Me in Excel: one ‘assumption’ cell -> DSCR 1.30 to 0.98, model spontaneously combusts 😅 Expectation: pro forma yacht | Reality: T-12 dinghy with a leak 🚣

Broker: We're clear to close Friday Lender: Send clean T-12, rent roll that matches the OM, estoppels, Phase I, and a DSCR >1.20 Client: Can you do 3% fixed, 100% LTC, and seller carry for tax reasons? Me opening the model: 47 tabs, merged cells, circular refs — Underwriting & Excel Crimes 🔥😵‍💫

Expectation: Easy value-add, 200bps spread, 3yr IO, retire by Thursday Reality: T-12 says HVAC is a vending machine for money; DSCR hits 1.19 on a sneeze 📉 Lender IC: Please re-upload v97 with zero rent growth, zero vacancy, zero happiness Excel: 'Circular reference'—translation: your deal is now land value ☠️

Broker: cap rate 'stabilizes' at 6.0 Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, and proof unicorns exist Me in Excel: hiding row 1,048,576 like it's a bad comp 🧮 Closing: roof leak joins the Zoom, asks for a credit... and my sanity

Expectation: 6-cap + clean rent roll 🧮 Reality: T-12 full of concessions, ghost suites, and a former dry cleaner next door Lender: need 1.25x DSCR and a rate cap yesterday Me: VLOOKUPing estoppels at 2am while the IRR depends on a merged cell 😂

Broker: T-12 is clean and “conservative” Lender: Great—send T-3, T-6, rent roll, estoppels, and a DSCR selfie Excel: Circular ref on FINAL_final2, 1,243 merged cells, VLOOKUP to Mars 🧮 Client: Can we hit a 6 cap with 90% leverage by Friday? Me: Absolutely, right after I find NOI hiding behind row 1,048,576 😂

Expectation: 5.25% cap, turnkey, seller credit Reality: cap rate market-ish, turnkey means bring your own roof, credit = moral support Broker: LOI by EOD; Lender: send 36 months utilities, estoppels, and a blood oath; Client: can we close Friday? Me in Excel at 1:13 AM: rename tab EBITDA_FINAL_v28 and pray DSCR > 1.25 📉🤡

Broker: 6 cap, 1.35x DSCR on pro forma, slam dunk Lender: Cool—send T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, ALTA, Phase I, and your firstborn Client: Can we lock after we retrade, add $150k TI/LC, and ask for 2 yrs IO? 🤡 Me: Untangling a 47-tab model where EGI=NOI and the DSCR cell says TRUE 😂

Broker: DSCR 1.30, rock solid—assuming no one touches column D Lender: Send T-12, rent roll (not the sideways scan), and 19 versions of the model Excel: #REF! after inserting 1 row; Argus watching like cute 😐 Client: Can we close Friday if we start underwriting today? Sure—if the appraiser uses vibes 😂

Broker: Cap rate 6, totally market 🧮 Excel: #REF! in DSCR, debt constant shifted, T12 roasted my pro forma Lender: Need T12, T3, rent roll vFinal, and your soul by COB Me: renaming Final_v28_REALFINAL2.xlsx while modeling 30-yr roof at 15 😵‍💫

Broker: Model shows 1.25x DSCR, 6.0 cap, slam dunk Lender: After T-12 CAM true-up and real vacancy… it’s 1.12x 📉 Client: Can we keep price, drop rate, and also close Friday? Me: Opening Final_FINAL_v9.xlsx, praying to SOFR and the rate cap fairy 😵‍💫

Broker: Clean deal - 6 cap, 1.30x DSCR, turnkey Lender: After our minor adjustments, it's a 3 cap and DSCR says new phone who dis Me staring at Excel: Why is EGI linked to the weather tab and vacancy hard-coded at 2% 🧮 Client: Can we still close Friday? Also need 20% TI, 6 months free rent, and a mezz at SOFR-200 😂

Broker: 'Proforma is conservative' Lender: 'Send T12, T3, rent roll, and your soul' Excel: change one input, DSCR goes 1.37 -> 1.09 Me: naming it 'Sensitivity' like it's not a crime scene 🧮🥲