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The CRE Humor Jokes

When DSCR Does CrossFit But Appraisal Eats Pizza

16 hours ago

1 min read

Broker: 6-cap, turnkey, lender loves it Lender: Cool—send T‑12, rent roll, Argus, Phase I newer than my intern, and a DSCR that lifts Me in Excel: If I add one more “Other Income,” the model files a restraining order 🧮😵‍💫 Client: Close Friday? Me: After the surprise $800k roof and the estoppels coming back from vacation 🔥

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My Excel Just Committed Felony Underwriting

Broker: Numbers are clean, cap rate ‘market’ Lender: Please remove the 19 hidden sheets and the Magic NOI tab Client: Can we round DSCR to 1.25 because ‘future leasing momentum’? Me at 1:47 AM: VLOOKU

Expectation: 22% IRR, Reality: T-12 With Plot Twists

Broker: Pro forma rents are conservative Lender: Cool, email T-12, T-3, T-1, and maybe your soul Excel: IRR 22% if expenses take a nap 🧮😅 Seller: BTW roof is from 1927 and CAM reconciliations are in

Broker vs Lender vs Excel: The 6 Cap That Wasn't

Broker: Pro forma DSCR 1.35x, 'light value-add', we’re cruising Excel: #REF! + circulars until my IRR becomes a mood ring💀 Lender: Need fresh T-12, 3rd-party rent roll, new leases, oh—and DSCR is 1.1

The CRE Humor Jokes

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