Expectation: Buy NNN at 5.25% and go golfing Reality: County reassesses to Mars, 2019 CAM true-up resurfaces, roof dies during lender tour Broker: it’s stabilized | Lender: need T-12, T-3, T-FOREVER | Owner: still Friday close? 😬 Me in Excel: hide Column J, DSCR disappears; underwriting complete ✅

Owner: It’s turnkey NNN Lender: Great, send 3 years CAM reconciliations, estoppels from tenants who moved to Guam, and a Phase I that can see the future My Excel: NOI says $1.2M, plumbing says ‘nice try’ Expectation: 6.0 cap. Reality: 6.0% vacancy… per month 🥲 Title at 4:59pm: Surprise lien from 1987. Broker at 5:00pm: “We still on for Friday?”

Broker: Stabilized at 95% Lender: Send T-12, rent roll, and proof the roof isn't 1998 Me: Finds $0.50/SF free rent in month 13, a CAM cap from 2004, and a ghost tenant named 'Suite TBD' 😵 Owner: So we still at 5.25% cap? Me: More like 5.25% prayers 🙏

Broker: We’re 95% there—just signatures Lender: After we re-underwrite the galaxy and grab a fresh Phase I from 1992 Appraiser: Found a comp across the street, but it’s a spaceship; adjusting -80% Owner: Why is my NNN roof leaking? Me: The second N was 'Nah' 🤡📊

Broker: Easy NNN, 30-day close Lender: Need T-12, T-36, Phase I, ALTA Table A, SNDA, estoppels, and your horoscope Seller: Rent roll attached (2019 napkin JPEG) Me: Rebuilding model for the 8th final proforma, convincing debt yield to cooperate 😵‍💫📉

Broker: LOI signed, 30-day close, light lift Lender: Need SNDA + estoppels from every tenant, including the vending machine guy Client: Can we pivot to 1031, add seller carry, and still close Friday? Me in Excel at 2:03am: changing cap rate from vibes to please appraise higher while CAMs self-recon 🤡🧮

Broker: Pro forma NOI = $1.2M Lender: After reserves, TI/LC, and that 1998 roof... it’s $742k Client: So 5 cap still closes Friday? Me: Let me ask my circular-reference model and the appraiser who went PTO mid-close 🤡🧮

Landlord: It’s a simple NNN deal Lender: Please upload a Phase I, II, III, a blood oath, and the roof’s star sign Tenant: Can we pay rent in exposure if our pop-up lasts 7 years? Me: Pro forma promised mailbox money; reality is a CAM reconciliation speedrun 🔥😵

Expectation: Close Friday, collect NNN, become 'mailbox money' legend Reality: Appraiser comps from 2012, lender asks for a 47th estoppel, seller 'misplaced' Phase I Me updating the model at 2:13 AM: if I color-code harder, DSCR will believe me 🧮 Tenant: 'Can we add a pickleball court to the parking ratio?' Me: sure, after the recession 😅

Client: We want Class A rent on a Class C roof Lender: Need Phase I, reliance letter, estoppels, and your last 24 months of CAM Appraiser: Adjusted comps say “lol no” Me: Renaming the Excel tab ‘Market Premium’ and praying to the DSCR gods 😅

Owner: NNN, zero landlord duties CAM: actually... annual true-up + roof reserve + 'admin' fee Lender: send fresh rent roll, T-12, SNDA, estoppels by EOD Me 11:59pm: Excel IRR swings 200 bps if HVAC is from '98; printer smoking 🧮😵‍💫

Broker: LOI says 60-day close - lender, we good? Lender: Send T-12, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof you can time-travel Appraiser: That 6.00% cap just identified as 7.35% in the wild Me to owner: We didn't lose value, we unlocked a value-add personality 😂

Broker: Pro forma says 95% occupied, zero delinquencies Lender: Cool cool—send T-12, estoppels, SNDA, and a Phase I that isn’t from 2016 Client: Can we close Friday if we start today Me: DSCR 1.19, roof 1998, CAM “varies”, Excel spinning—still calling it core-plus 🫠

Broker: LOI signed—easy close Lender: Upload rent roll, SNDA, estoppels, Phase I, and your last 3 lifetimes by EOD Client: Keep proceeds same, rate lower, and can we close Friday? Title: Found a 1902 horse-trough easement under your new drive-thru 🤡 Me: Updating the model for the 17th 'final' time 😵‍💫

Owner: It’s NNN, totally passive Tenant: Need a new roof and 600A power for “light assembly” Lender: Send estoppels, SNDA, fresh Phase I, and proof DSCR survives the tax protest 🙂 Me opening Excel: 1.35x becomes 0.98x the moment the county remembers inflation 🧯

Broker: It’s a clean 6.25% cap, T-12 trending up, tenants happy Lender: Send T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and your last three pro formas Appraiser: Calling it “special use” because the parking stripes feel artisanal Owner/Landlord: My 30-day close just speedran into 90 with DSCR stress tests and CAM autopsies 😵‍💫

Broker: We’re clear to close Friday Lender: Cool—just need updated rent roll, SNDAs from the vape shop + karate dojo, and proof the roof isn’t a rumor Client: Can we go 65%→80% LTV, kill prepay, and lift DSCR to 1.35 with zero new NOI Me: Opening Excel v97 to re-underwrite while the estoppel fairy calls in sick 🫠

Expectation: sign LOI Friday, celebrate cap rate victory 😀 Reality: Monday appraisal says subject-to 18 conditions and a rent roll from Narnia Lender: need 3 years of ops; Landlord: I have vibes and a T12 photo Me at 2am re-underwriting, Excel shows 6.5% IRR, gut says bring a priest 😵‍💫

Broker: at 6 cap, DSCR 1.35, cruise control Lender: need T-12, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and a live hawk Appraiser: 3 comps from 2015 say your trophy asset = C-minus with vibes 🤡 Owner: firm price, no retrade, also deliver NNN, free rent, and $0 TI Me in Excel: if I freeze panes hard enough, NOI grows, right? 🧮

Broker: LOI signed, PSA clean, DSCR 1.30 — easy close Lender IC: cool, send T-3, T-12, T-0.5, estoppels, SNDAs, Phase I addendum, and your childhood address by noon Owner: updated rent roll… in a JPEG Appraiser: comped you to a vacant roller rink, value ‘came in light’ — rate lock expires Friday 😵‍💫