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The CRE Humor Jokes

CAM Season: Getting Charged for Snow Removal in Miami

Sep 29

1 min read

Broker: CAM is predictable - 3% cap, trust me Lender: Underwrite 18% just in case Landlord: Adds 'snow removal' and 'elevator music license' to a 1-story retail 🧾 Me in Excel: 95% gross-up, base year math, sanity amortized over 120 months 😵‍💫

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Broker: We're all-in at $24 NNN Lender: Send final CAM budget Me: Opening 'TI_cashflow_FINAL2_reallyFINAL.xlsm' while the GC change-orders for moving the door 6 inches 🧮 Tenant: Thought CAM was $2...

TI Allowance vs Reality: Vanilla Shell Speedrun

Client: “Turnkey TI, 8-week delivery.” Me: “Allowance: $40/SF.” GC: “Cost: $140/SF—also it’s a vanilla shell.” Lender: “Need a fixed-price GMP.” Contractor: “Here’s a TBD with 12 alternates.” City: “P

TI Budget vs Reality: Bring Your Own Ductwork

Broker: TI is minor Contractor: it’s a full gut plus surprise asbestos Lender: send final budget and updated DSCR calc Me: which version—LOI fantasy, post-bid reality, or the one CAM will eat alive 🧾

The CRE Humor Jokes

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