Broker: It’s a clean 5-yr NNN, easy close Lender: Need updated rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1987 Landlord: Add “minor tweak” = 3% annuals, 2 mo. DD, and a personal guarantee from your dog Me underwriting at 2:14am: market cap 5.25, sale comp 6.5, Excel: #DIV/0! 😵‍💫

Broker: It pencils at a 6 cap Lender: Back out taxes, TI, reserves, and hope—now it's a 4.2 Appraiser: Found a 2018 comp next to a goat farm, congrats on negative value Me: DSCR 1.24 in Excel; Credit Committee: make it 1.35 by Monday; Excel: #DIV/0! 😵‍💫

Expectation: CAM smooth, HVAC purring, tenants happy Reality: Insurance +23%, April blizzard, after-hours HVAC for a ‘book club’ of 60 Me: BOMA remeasure + roof deductible + utility true-up = math nobody asked for Excel: #REF! #DIV/0! Printer: out of toner again 😬

Me: “We’re finally clear to close.” Underwriting: “Love your numbers—now please resubmit the PDF of the PDF.” Excel: #DIV/0! Client: “So… keys next week?” Me: *sweats in ICA* 😅