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The Deal Said “Clear to Close” (Lie Detected) 😅
Me: “We’re finally clear to close.” Underwriting: “Love your numbers—now please resubmit the PDF of the PDF.” Excel: #DIV/0! Client: “So… keys next week?” Me: *sweats in ICA* 😅
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See AllExpectation: 6% cap, turnkey, lender nodding Reality: T-12 is a scavenger hunt, Argus expired, DSCR 1.19, Excel screams #REF! Me: Rename CapEx to “value-add,” convince debt yield it’s a vibe 😂 Seller
Broker: “Day-1 stabilized, light value-add” Lender: Great—prove DSCR > 1.35 with actuals, estoppels, SNDAs, and your blood type My Excel: adjust vacancy by 0.01% → waterfall detonates → #REF everywher
Broker: It's a clean value-add Lender: Need 3 more rent rolls, 2 more T-12s, and your childhood credit score Client: Can we hit 7 cap day one with 90% LTC and free TI? Me at 2:03 AM in Excel: adds 'le
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