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The CRE Humor Jokes

DSCR Catfished My Pro Forma (Again)

Jul 29

1 min read

Broker: DSCR pencils at 1.35 with loss-to-lease burn-off, easy agency takeout Lender: After our 'slight' stress test, it's 1.14, 5% rate cap reserve, hello proceeds haircut Client: If we add $50 RUBS can we close Friday? Me: Rebuilding the T-12, chasing estoppels, bribing Excel to stop #DIV/0! 😵‍💫📉

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Broker: We’re CTC Friday Lender: After credit re-underwrites DSCR at 1.24x, grabs fresh estoppels/SNDAs, and reruns Phase I Client: If debt yield needs 8.5% now, we just trim price by COB, right? Me,

Expectation: 5-Cap Victory; Reality: 5AM Value-Add Nightmares

Me underwriting at 2:07am: 30 bps cap compression, 8% rent bumps, T-12 magically becomes T-3 by Q2 Lender: DSCR says lol—add rate cap escrow, springing lockbox, and a cash sweep for vibes Seller: “As-

Expectation: 6% Cap. Reality: My Excel Just Set Itself On Fire

Broker: It’s a clean 6% cap, easy close Lender: Need T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, and a blood sample Excel: #DIV/0! #REF! then surprise—2025 taxes doubled and insurance tripled 🔥 Client: Can we r

The CRE Humor Jokes

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