Broker: It’s a clean 1.30 DSCR, seller covers CAM, easy close Lender: After ‘normalized’ vacancy, true taxes, roof reserve… 1.09 Appraiser: Best comp is a llama farm with a drive-thru, still ‘market’ Me: Rebuilding the T-12, hunting SNDAs, smiling at the landlord like it’s fine 🧮😬

Broker: LOI signed, PSA clean, we're cruising Lender: Need fresh estoppels, SNDA, ALTA, Phase I that says 'no vibes,' and a 1.35 DSCR in a 1.10 world 😵‍💫 Buyer: Underwrote at 6.25% cap; Seller heard 4.00% cap + free parking for my descendants Attorney: Found a 1998 co-tenancy clause - if the RadioShack leaves, so can half the rent 🧨 Me (updating the model): T-12 says 'maybe'; T-3 says 'lol'; Excel says #REF! 📉

Broker: It’s a pristine 6-cap, NNN, pre-leased - slam dunk Lender: Need T-12, T-3, T-now, estoppels, SNDA, roof report, and your 3rd grade attendance 📑 Appraiser: After market-supported adjustments, value = vibes and a 7.94% cap My Excel: 31 tabs, 6 #REF!, DSCR whispers 1.18 then rage-quits 🫠 Client: We still closing Friday? Me: Sure - if Friday is post-ALTA, revised rent roll, and two cosmic extensions

Proforma: DSCR 1.35 and a 6 cap — living the dream Lender after 'small' stress test: taxes + insurance + reserves = 0.99 Client: just 'optimize NOI' and still hit 65% LTV 🙂 Me at 2:12am: doing INDEX/MATCH Excel crimes on the T12 while the cap rate ghosted 📉

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30x DSCR, trust the OM Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, SNDAs/estoppels Seller: Also taxes reset 35% and the chiller died during diligence Me in Excel at 1:59 AM: 0.99x before reserves, 0.92x after rate cap—re-trade or obituary? 📉😵‍💫

Client: Can we close Friday? Lender: Send updated T-12, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1978 Me opening Excel: why does CAM math have 19 tabs and a hidden sorcery sheet ☠️ DSCR: 1.19x; Seller: firm price; Reality: '30-day extension executed' 🫠