Broker: “DSCR 1.35x day one.” 🤡 Lender: “Cool—send T-12, rent roll, and proof the tenants exist on weekends.” Me in Excel at 2:13 AM: delete one hardcode → IRR jumps 9%→22%; underwriting or Excel war crime? 😵‍💫 Client: “Can we pivot to SBA, add mezz, 30-day close, and also make it industrial?” Sure, let me move the loading docks with my mind.

Expectation: DSCR 1.30x after 'light' payroll trim and a cap rate 'vibe check' 🧮 Reality: tax reassessment + Florida insurance = 1.06x; Excel rounds up, lender rounds you out Broker: It’s stabilized once we 'stabilize it' Lender: Upload v37 of the T-12, Argus export, SNDA, and an estoppel from the soda machine 🤡

Broker: It’s a clean 6 cap, turnkey, 'light value-add' Lender: After DSCR haircuts, meteor-strike reserve, and an interest cap, it’s a 4.1 🤡 Appraiser: Great news—I comped it to a goat barn and a RadioShack from 2008 Me at 2:13 AM: committing VLOOKUPs I can’t defend, whispering 'stabilized by Q3' 🧮

Expectation: cap rate +10 bps and model still at 1.30x DSCR 😎 Reality: one broken link to Sheet3!Broke, taxes auto-grow, DSCR 1.19x, lender now a myth Broker: stabilized in 90 days; T-12: 62% economic occupancy and a boiler older than me Me to Excel: stop rounding to pro forma and show how we pay debt service 🫠

Broker: It's a light value-add Lender: Cool—send T-12, rent roll, estoppels, and Version_27_FINAL_FINAL.xlsx Me: tweak one cell -> Argus combusts, Excel circular refs, DSCR 1.35 to 0.98 ☠️ Client: Can we close Friday? Me: Sure, if SOFR naps, HVAC repents, and Phase I forgets the dry cleaner 😂

Broker: It’s stabilized Lender: Define “stabilized” Seller: We counted 13 months of NOI and forgot taxes Me: Committing Excel crimes until DSCR turns itself in 🚓

Broker: “Stabilized by Q2.” Lender: “Based on… vibes?” Client: “Can we close Friday?” 😂 Me underwriting: copy/paste one cell → model shows 1.35x DSCR; reality: levered IRR says “nah.” Tour notes: “natural light.” Translation: holes in the roof. “Flexible zoning.” Translation: manifesting. Final hour: title uncovers a 1978 rail easement; appraisal finds 0.5 parking/KSF; my deal: finds the exit. 💀

Broker OM: Stabilized 6% cap, loss-to-lease upside, RUBS day one 🧮 T-12: insurance +48%, delinquency is a novella, 'other income' = one dusty vending machine Lender: Please re-underwrite at 1.30x DSCR, 8% econ vacancy, and oh—rates popped 50 bps Me at 2:13 AM in Excel: circular refs, negative levered IRR, still marketing it as 'light value-add' 🤡

Broker: 6.75% cap, T-3 rent roll trending up, “easy close” 🔥 Lender: Stress at SOFR+300, 1.35x DSCR, taxes reset to full—proceeds = Uber budget Me in Excel: change one rent growth cell; IRR swan-dives, waterfall drowns me 😵‍💫 Client: Why is equity 42% now? Me: IC underwrote the T-12, not your dreams

Broker: Rent roll is spotless, like my pro forma Lender: Please upload the T-12, estoppels, SNDA, and a time machine Me in Excel: Hide column G, NOI magically +12.6% 🧮 Underwriter: Cool—adding roof reserve, 5% vacancy, and vibes Deal: Flatlines 3 minutes before rate lock

Broker: It's 'light value-add', 3-month stabilize, easy refi. Lender: Need 1.25 DSCR, 12 months P&I reserves, and your childhood diary. Me in Excel: Goal Seek until IRR does CrossFit; VLOOKUP to a rent roll that moved. Appraisal: Cap rate says no. Model: circular reference. Deal: LOI—Lots Of Imaginary. 🤡📉

Broker: It’s a clean 6 cap, light value-add Lender: After T-12/T-3 and a vibes check, it’s 4.1 with rollover, tax escrow, and a rate cap Excel: Circular reference detected; DSCR has left the chat 🧮🤡 Client: Close Friday? Me: Sure—once Phase I stops yelling "REC" and the roof escrow stops multiplying

Broker: It’s a simple 7% cap, clean T-12, light value-add Lender: Remove 43 temporary addbacks, add TI/LC reserves, and stress to 9.5% — still pencils? Me in Excel: uncheck one vacancy macro; DSCR swan-dives from 1.35x to 0.99x; circular ref sirens 🤡 Client: Can we close Friday? Also the rent roll is a JPEG of a fax from 2003 🧮

Broker: Pro forma at 7 cap Lender: After stress test? It’s giving 3 cap Me in Excel: v23_FINAL_final2.xlsx conjuring NOI with circular refs 🕯️ Inspector: FYI your TI/LC is actually raccoons 😬

Broker: Slam dunk, 6 cap, turnkey, trust me Lender: Need T-12, T-3, T-1, three DSCR stress tests, and why is 'Grandpa' on the rent roll? Me in Excel at 1:47am: Goal Seek vs Reality — circular ref says lol, 10 bps cap-rate move nukes IRR 📉 Client at closing: Quick pivot to axe-throwing pickleball anchor? Me: DSCR just rage-quit 🫠

Broker: DSCR 1.35x on pro forma Lender: Cool—send T-12, T-3 rent roll, and proof you don’t use VLOOKUP Me opening model: FINAL_v38.xlsx, 62 tabs, 11 hidden, one labeled 'Do_Not_Touch' 🙃 F9 pressed: circular reference → DSCR 0.98x, debt yield crying, cap rate allergic to reality Client: Can we hit 80% LTV at 6 cap? Me: Sure, if we underwrite in Narnia 🧙‍♂️

Broker: Pro forma hits 1.35x DSCR, 75% LTV easy. Lender: Cute—send T-12, rent roll, and a Phase I that isn’t from 2019. Excel: Circular reference engaged; capex vanished; IRR now 28% allegedly 🤡 Client: We still closing Friday? Me: Absolutely... in a different timeline.

Broker: DSCR pencils at 1.27x if you believe in add-backs Lender: Cool, just need estoppels from 37 tenants and one from the raccoon in Suite B Excel: Circular reference detected—just like your capex timeline Client: So we hit a 5 cap by calling parking revenue 'AI adjacency'? 🤡

Broker: Proforma is “conservative” at 5% vacancy Me in Excel: delete reality until DSCR=1.25 and IRR=18% 🧮 Lender: Cool—send T-12, rent roll, tax certs, and your first-born Excel: #VALUE! the second I add real taxes; deal re-traded into dust 😵‍💫

Broker: Pro forma is 'conservative' Excel: Circular ref engaged — DSCR jumps 1.35x -> 0.98x when taxes uncap Lender: Remove optimism, add SOFR+450, a rate cap, and make TI/LC perpetual Me at 2:11AM: color-coding the T-12 while Argus crashes and one tenant has three SNDAs 😵‍💫🧮