When Excel Turns a 1.08x DSCR Into a 22% IRR (Send Help)

Broker: “DSCR 1.35x day one.” 🤡 Lender: “Cool—send T-12, rent roll, and proof the tenants exist on weekends.” Me in Excel at 2:13 AM: delete one hardcode → IRR jumps 9%→22%; underwriting or Excel war crime? 😵‍💫 Client: “Can we pivot to SBA, add mezz, 30-day close, and also make it industrial?” Sure, let me move the loading docks with my mind.