Broker: We’re clear to close Friday Lender: Cool—just need updated rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, ALTA, T‑12, and a roof that exists Owner/Landlord: Also toss in 3 months free, push CAM to tenants, and shave 200 bps, right? 😂 Me at 2:07am: Re-underwriting the 5th retrade—Excel #VALUE!, DSCR vanished, cap rate is gaslighting me 🫠

Broker: Pro forma DSCR is 1.35x Lender: Cool, send the T-12 that whispers 0.98x Me at 2:03am: If I color-code NOI, debt yield behaves… right? 🧮 Excel: #VALUE! #DIV/0! also here’s a circular ref for vibes Client: We still closing Friday? Me: Absolutely—on a different planet 😵‍💫

Broker: It’s turnkey Phase I: Former dry cleaner, vapor risk, mystery USTs 🧪 PCA: Roof 'decorative'; HVAC operates on hopes and prayers Lender: Need updated budget, 36 estoppels, ALTA fixes, and a time machine Me in Excel: Adds $300k capex, model says #VALUE! — I say re-trade 😂

Broker: Pro forma says 8.5% cap and 1.35x DSCR—EZ close Lender: Neat—send T-12, rent roll, estoppels, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t a rumor Excel: Circular reference found; replaced your TI/LC with #VALUE! 😌 Client: Can we close Friday if we start Wednesday? Me: Only if NOI grows by vibes and a surprise Starbucks lease 🦄

Broker: We’re closing in 30 days Lender: Awesome—just need SNDA, estoppels, ALTA, Phase I, PCA, and 12 months of reserves Seller: Our pro forma NOI is before concessions, free rent, and reality Me at 2:12am: Why does 8.50% cap = #VALUE! while CAMs multiply in Column J? 🧮😵

Client: It’s NNN so CAM is like $0.03, right? Me: Absolutely—if roofs never leak, landscapers work for vibes, and snow cancels winter. Lender: Confirm CAM variance <2% with audited financials, estoppels, and a notarized spreadsheet. Excel: #VALUE! 5 minutes before IC; me exporting unicorn tears instead of the T-12 🤡😵‍💫

Me underwriting at 2am: shave 10 bps off exit cap and boom, IRR hits influencer levels Lender 9am: cute; bump to 1.35x DSCR, no IO, add TI/LC reserves and a springing lockbox Seller noon: price firm, roll me your estoppels, and BTW taxes reset like a SpaceX launch IC 3pm: show T-3, T-12, and T-who-hurt-you; Excel: #VALUE! fan screaming like a turbine 😵‍💫

Broker: Proforma is “conservative” at 5% vacancy Me in Excel: delete reality until DSCR=1.25 and IRR=18% 🧮 Lender: Cool—send T-12, rent roll, tax certs, and your first-born Excel: #VALUE! the second I add real taxes; deal re-traded into dust 😵‍💫