Broker: We're clear to close Friday Lender: Send clean T-12, rent roll that matches the OM, estoppels, Phase I, and a DSCR >1.20 Client: Can you do 3% fixed, 100% LTC, and seller carry for tax reasons? Me opening the model: 47 tabs, merged cells, circular refs — Underwriting & Excel Crimes 🔥😵‍💫

Expectation: 6% cap, 10-yr WALT, turnkey cash flow Reality: 4.7% cap, options galore, roof "new" (2009), CAM "estimates" Lender: send updated T-12, T-3, estoppels, SNDA, and your horoscope 🔮 Owner: "100% occupied"* *my cousin's vape startup on M2M — still wants pro forma pricing 😂

Expectation NNN lease means tenant pays all Reality 4:59pm Friday tenant says roof is Niagara and HVAC retired 😅 Lease carveout says landlord covers structural roof and surprise capital HVAC Me updating Excel model CAM recovery wizard on hard mode NOI: I have left the chat 📉

Broker: Clean deal, minimal hair Due diligence: Phase I plume, roof older than my Excel model, T-12 vs rent roll = multiverse, 0/17 estoppels returned 😵‍💫 Lender: Just need updated ALTA, PCA, SNDA, and proof the parking lot isn't a wetland Client: Can we close Friday? Me: Sure, if time travel was in the PSA Expectation: 6.5% cap; Reality: cap trap and a raccoon in Unit 104 demanding TI 🦝

Broker: Underwrote 6.5% cap, 75% LTV, DSCR 1.30 — smooth close Lender: After stress test + $450k CapEx reserve + IO cut, DSCR now 1.09 🙃 Appraiser: Best comp is a vacant mill 47 miles away; value adjusted for vibes Client: So my LOI was fiction? Me: Welcome to the CRE Cinematic Universe 😂

Broker: We underwrote $6/SF TI, easy GC: Add a zero. Also lead times are 'Q4 maybe' 🚧 Lender: Send final CAM reconciliation, estoppels, and a time machine Me at 3:07 AM in Excel: IRR still 17% because Row 482 was hidden 😬🧮