Broker: DSCR 1.28x on my model—green light🧮 Lender: Cool, drop T-12, T-3, T-1, rent roll, estoppels, and your firstborn by EOD Appraiser: Pulled comps from 2018, 20 miles away, with ‘amenity: functional obsolescence’📉 Client: Great, 3% fixed, 80% LTV, 5yrs IO, closing Friday… right?

Broker: it’s a 6 cap day one, whisper price ‘firm’ Lender: after reassessed taxes, TI/LC, and reserves… hello 3.7 Client: can we close in 10 days with CMBS, SBA, and my cousin’s HELOC? Me in Excel: one ‘assumption’ cell -> DSCR 1.30 to 0.98, model spontaneously combusts 😅 Expectation: pro forma yacht | Reality: T-12 dinghy with a leak 🚣

Broker: it’s a clean NNN, turnkey, 6 cap Lender: after taxes, reserves, real T-12, and Mercury in retrograde? Appraiser: found a ‘comp’ with goat yoga anchor at 7.5 Me in Excel at 2:03AM: DSCR says ‘lol no’ 🧮 Seller at closing: surprise roof report, HVAC is performance art 😅

Client: Need a 6-cap core, 80% LTV, zero vacancy, ‘value-add upside’ 🤡 Lender: DSCR says 1.09—come back with more equity and a personality Me opening the T-12 + rent roll: why is ‘Owner’s Cousin Pop-Up’ paying $0 and counted as NOI Appraiser: Comped you to a cornfield; Phase I found a raccoon; LOI = Lots Of Issues 😵

Broker: Clear to close Friday Property Manager at 4:02pm: CAM true-up, elevator back-bill, and 3 missing estoppels—surprise Lender: Please re-underwrite, reprice interest reserve, and send an SNDA signed in blood 🐐 Me in Excel: adding 17 tabs, NOI evaporates, cap rate cries, LOI turns into LOL 😵‍💫

Broker: CAM is 'peanuts' Landlord: plus 15% admin, 95% gross-up, and 'industry standard' sprinkler recharge Me in Excel at 2:17am: =SUM(CRY:ING) while hunting janitorial backcharges 😵‍💫 Tenant at move-out: Wait, what's a true-up? Me: The post-credits scene to your TI budget.