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The CRE Humor Jokes

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Expectation: 6 Cap; Reality: 6 Cups Before DSCR Says No

Expectation: 6% cap, smooth close Reality: Phase I flags a 1950s dry cleaner, lender adds DSCR stress at 4:55pm Friday Proforma NOI: $1,000,000; CAM true-up: actually $3.17 📉 Seller: “Just add back vacancy.” Me: “That’s not how underwriting—or physics—works” 💀

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NNN 'Easy Deal' Speedrun: Broker vs Lender vs Client

Broker: It’s a vanilla NNN, clean Phase I, we coast to close Lender: Need 12 months trailing, 3 estoppels, roof warranty from 1997, and the tenant’s favorite cereal Client: Can we close Friday if we s

 
 
 
When DSCR Won’t Commit But My Coffee Will

Client: Can we close Friday? Lender: Send updated T-12, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1978 Me opening Excel: why does CAM math have 19 tabs and a hidden sorcery sheet ☠️ DSCR

 
 
 

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