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The CRE Humor Jokes

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Expectation: 30-Day Close | Reality: 30 Docs, 3 Appraisers, 0 Sleep

Broker: 30-day close, light lift Lender: cool, just need T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, global cash flow, AND a rate cap Client: can we retrade $200k after the appraisal haircut? Me in Excel: DSCR 1.25 at noon -> 1.12 by 5pm, but sure, 'light lift' 🤡

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Appraisal Said 6 Cap, My IRR Left the Chat

Me underwriting: 18% IRR if I pretend CapEx is 'future me's problem'. Lender: DSCR at 1.26? Rounding down, escrows up, proceeds down—science. Appraiser: Pulled a 2019 comp 47 miles away 'similar vibe'

 
 
 
Broker Math vs Lender Math: DSCR Cage Match

Broker: It's 95% occupied, easy 6-cap Lender: Cool—need T-12, rent roll, estoppels, PFS, and your soul Appraiser: 2019 comps + 'market headwinds' = value minus hope Me: Adding tab 27 'magical add-back

 
 
 

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