Broker: Pro forma's mint, 95% occupied Property Manager: Occupied by who? Three shell suites and one raccoon 🤝 Lender: Need estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and a time machine by Friday Me opening CAM reconciliation: Excel crashed, so did my soul 😵‍💫

Broker: It's a soft lock at 6.25% - we're 'definitely' closing in 30 days Lender: Cool, just need fresh estoppels, SNDAs, ALTA, 3 years of janitor W-2s, and your soul Appraiser: Comps include a 2018 strip center, a car wash, and a cornfield because 'stabilized vibes' Me: Extending the rate cap, re-trading my sanity, and modeling 12 downside cases in Excel 🤡

Broker: Pro forma says 6.0% cap, smooth close Lender: cool, send 14 years of T-12s, estoppels, and a selfie with the roof drains Appraiser: comps from 2016 across state lines, adjusted for “vibes” — value -9% Owner: are we closing Friday or just LARPing as a REIT? 😂

Expectation: DSCR 1.35x on the broker pro forma Reality: T-12 says 1.19x after 'misc' snow plow and free rent hits Lender: please upload rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and your sanity 😅 Title: surprise utility easement through the lobby 🚧 Me in Excel at 2am: adding back 'non-recurring rats' to make a 6.25 cap close

Client: We close Friday? Me (broker): After title, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, roof report, CAM audit, and a sacrificial spreadsheet Lender: Need rent roll notarized, zoning comfort, and an environmental letter from the Jurassic Seller: Also… minor detail: underground storage tank waved 👋 Me at 1:02 AM: Re-underwriting like it’s cardio 😵‍💫

Broker: Tour’s at 9, easy win Property Manager: Also at 9, fire alarm test—it’s a 'brand activation' Lender: Need Phase I, II, III, estoppels, and a roof cert by yesterday Client: So still a 200 bps price cut, or do we get free coffee? Me: Updating the model while the HVAC screams in D minor ☕️😵‍💫