Broker: It pencils at a 6 cap Lender: After taxes, reserves, TI/LC... DSCR 1.19 Appraiser: Found a 2016 comp—value -11% Me: Re-trading equity, re-building Argus, renaming v37_final_FINAL2.xlsx 🧮🤡

Expectation: Vanilla shell Reality: vanilla-scented demo zone + $7.92/SF CAM true-up 🔥 Lender: “Prove TI still pencils” Me at 2:11am: converting inches to basis points in Excel 😵‍💫

Broker: It’s a 6.0% cap, stabilized, value-add lite Lender: Send rent roll, T-12, SNDAs, estoppels, Phase I, ALTA, and three blood types Me: Excel says 1.35x DSCR… until I unhide Row 482 (free rent + 600k TI) 😐 Client: Can we close Friday if we retrade 2M after the retrade? 🤡

Broker: LOI signed, 30-day close, cakewalk Lender: drop T-12, current rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and your elementary report card Seller: half tenants are 'month-to-vibe', roof is 'historic', expenses are 'pro forma' Me at 2:13am: cap rate pencils at 6.25%, sanity yields negative 😅📉

Expectation: 6% cap, smooth close Reality: Phase I flags a 1950s dry cleaner, lender adds DSCR stress at 4:55pm Friday Proforma NOI: $1,000,000; CAM true-up: actually $3.17 📉 Seller: “Just add back vacancy.” Me: “That’s not how underwriting—or physics—works” 💀

Broker: Pro forma 6.0 cap, 95% occ, upside 'day one' 🤝 Appraiser: T-12 says 82% econ occ, cap is 7.1, roof described as 'vintage' Lender: DSCR 1.35, add interest reserve, also SOFR moved before my coffee Me: Extending escrow while pretending a Canva rent roll is GAAP 😭