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The CRE Humor Jokes

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When the Rent Roll Says Class A, But the Roof Says Archaeology

Expectation: 5.25% cap, turnkey, seller credit Reality: cap rate market-ish, turnkey means bring your own roof, credit = moral support Broker: LOI by EOD; Lender: send 36 months utilities, estoppels, and a blood oath; Client: can we close Friday? Me in Excel at 1:13 AM: rename tab EBITDA_FINAL_v28 and pray DSCR > 1.25 📉🤡

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Expectation: 1.30x DSCR | Reality: Excel Says LOL

Expectation: 6% exit cap, 3-yr IO, DSCR 1.30 — lender says easy button Reality: Excel unmerges one cell; DSCR 1.09; taxes jump post-sale; please add $850k TI/LC Client: can we bump rents 18%? Me: sure

 
 
 
When Your 1.35 DSCR Meets the Lender's Tiny Stress Test

Proforma: DSCR 1.35 and a 6 cap — living the dream Lender after 'small' stress test: taxes + insurance + reserves = 0.99 Client: just 'optimize NOI' and still hit 65% LTV 🙂 Me at 2:12am: doing INDEX/

 
 
 

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