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The CRE Humor Jokes

When the DSCR Math Starts Gaslighting You at 1:59 AM

Broker: Proforma is 'conservative' Lender: Explain 7% vacancy, 28% expenses, and DSCR 1.35 'somehow' Me in Excel: =IF(AND(hope,comp_fairy),1.35,"cry") 🧮 Client: We can close Friday if NOI doubles by Thursday... right? 😬

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Expectation: 1.30x DSCR | Reality: Excel Says LOL

Expectation: 6% exit cap, 3-yr IO, DSCR 1.30 — lender says easy button Reality: Excel unmerges one cell; DSCR 1.09; taxes jump post-sale; please add $850k TI/LC Client: can we bump rents 18%? Me: sure

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When Your 1.35 DSCR Meets the Lender's Tiny Stress Test

Proforma: DSCR 1.35 and a 6 cap — living the dream Lender after 'small' stress test: taxes + insurance + reserves = 0.99 Client: just 'optimize NOI' and still hit 65% LTV šŸ™‚ Me at 2:12am: doing INDEX/

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