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The CRE Humor Jokes

When Excel Says Stabilized But My DSCR Screams Therapy

Broker: Pro forma NOI $2M, 5 cap, stabilized, easy win Lender: Cool - drop T-12, rent roll, SNDAs, and proof your Excel isn't lying Me: opens Final_v27_REALLY_FINAL.xlsx 🧮 Excel: DSCR 1.35... until I unhide Row 437 (free rent + TI), now 0.98 šŸ˜µā€šŸ’« Client: Perfect - still close Friday with a 2% rate cap and zero reserves, right?

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Expectation: 95% Occupied. Reality: 95% Free Rent

Broker: It's 95% occupied (pro forma, obviously) Lender: Cool—send T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and your childhood diaries Me in Excel: DSCR 1.30 until I unhide 'Free Rent', 'TI/LC', and 'CA

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Pro Forma Lies, Excel Cries

Broker: Rent growth 6% forever, trust the OM Me (underwriting): add TI/LC, free rent, and real taxes… the sheet turns red šŸ˜µā€šŸ’« Lender: Bump exit cap 10 bps and send T-12 in 3 versions by EOD Appraise

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