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The CRE Humor Jokes

When Excel Says 'Cash Flowing' And The Lender Says 'Cute Spreadsheet'

Broker: Pro forma hits 6.00% cap and 17% IRR, ez refi Lender: Adorable—now T-12, T-3, fresh rent roll, DSCR 1.35 AFTER TI/LC and the roof crying Excel: one decimal slide and 17% IRR -> 1.7% 😵‍💫 Client: We still close Friday? Me: If the appraiser answers and CAMs stop multiplying 📉

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Expectation: 95% Occupied. Reality: 95% Free Rent

Broker: It's 95% occupied (pro forma, obviously) Lender: Cool—send T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and your childhood diaries Me in Excel: DSCR 1.30 until I unhide 'Free Rent', 'TI/LC', and 'CA

 
 
 
Pro Forma Lies, Excel Cries

Broker: Rent growth 6% forever, trust the OM Me (underwriting): add TI/LC, free rent, and real taxes… the sheet turns red 😵‍💫 Lender: Bump exit cap 10 bps and send T-12 in 3 versions by EOD Appraise

 
 
 

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