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Underwrote a Unicorn, Closed a Dumpster: The DSCR Plot Twist

Expectation: 9-month stabilize, DSCR 1.35x, squeaky-clean Phase I Reality: Lender’s global cash flow says my dog eats 0.20x of NOI Seller: 'Tiny detail'—anchor go-dark 30 days post-close Me to Excel: stop circular referencing my emotions 😂🥲

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Cap Rate Blinked; My Model Filed for Bankruptcy

Broker: It's a layup Lender: Upload revised T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, flood cert, and vibes Client: Make it NNN, add a mezz slice, 1031 the equity, and still close Friday? Me @ 11:59 PM:

 
 
 
When DSCR Catfishes Your LOI

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30x DSCR, trust the OM Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, SNDAs/estoppels Seller: Also taxes reset 35% and the chiller died during diligence Me in Excel at 1:59 AM: 0.99x befor

 
 
 

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