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The CRE Humor Jokes

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LOI Says As-Is; Lender Says As-If

Broker: LOI signed, as-is, 45-day close—nothing wild, right? Lender: Need DSCR >1.25 after new taxes, reserves, and your ‘asset management fee’ 🙃 Seller: T-12 attached—it’s a photo of their monitor and the rent roll is a GIF Phase I: Surprise! Former dry cleaner next door; say hello to vapor intrusion Me in Excel: Scenario #38, re-trade math, while the anchor emails a 2AM exclusive-use bomb 😵‍💫

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Cap Rate Blinked; My Model Filed for Bankruptcy

Broker: It's a layup Lender: Upload revised T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, flood cert, and vibes Client: Make it NNN, add a mezz slice, 1031 the equity, and still close Friday? Me @ 11:59 PM:

 
 
 
When DSCR Catfishes Your LOI

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30x DSCR, trust the OM Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, SNDAs/estoppels Seller: Also taxes reset 35% and the chiller died during diligence Me in Excel at 1:59 AM: 0.99x befor

 
 
 

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