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The CRE Humor Jokes

Industrial Deal Underwriting: Powered by Vibes and Circular References

Expectation: 32' clear, ESFR, dock-high, 10-yr credit lease Reality: 18' 'charming' clear, one sad drive-in, swamp coolers, crypto tenant handshake Lender: 'Debt yield + DSCR?' Me: 'Pick your fighter: pro forma or T-12' šŸ˜‚ Excel: circular refs on; capex tab evaporates; yet model says 'it pencils' 🧮

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When DSCR Ghosts You at 11:59 PM

Broker: It’s stabilized at 95% Me (underwriting): 73% after TI/LC, free rent, and removing cousin’s $1 lease Lender: Cool—send v19 rent roll, environmental, and proof the roof isn’t aspirational Excel

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The Rent Roll Said 95% Then Excel Said No

Broker: it’s 95% leased Excel: after CAM recs + T-12 reality, it’s 72% and three emotional support tenants 🤔 Lender: upload the ā€œfinalā€ model; also tweak exit cap, rent growth, and gravity Me: commit

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Underwriting Jenga: DSCR Edition

Broker: 'Pro forma conservative—6 cap, rent roll immaculate' Lender: 'Then why does DSCR drop to 1.05x if I delete the cell named Misc Magic?' Me in Excel at 2:17 AM: IF(IRR<18%, add 'Other Income: Na

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