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The CRE Humor Jokes

Broker vs Lender vs Client: The 30-Day Close Speedrun (Any%)

Broker: It's a clean T-12 and we'll close in 30 days Lender: Send rent roll, T-3, Argus export, Phase I, roof cert, estoppels, SNDA, and your firstborn Client: Can we model capex after closing? Also what's DSCR? 🙂 Me at 1:47am: finding a circular reference, retrading cap rate, and Googling 'how to charm an appraiser' 🤡

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Cap Rate Blinked; My Model Filed for Bankruptcy

Broker: It's a layup Lender: Upload revised T-12, T-3, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, flood cert, and vibes Client: Make it NNN, add a mezz slice, 1031 the equity, and still close Friday? Me @ 11:59 PM:

 
 
 
When DSCR Catfishes Your LOI

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30x DSCR, trust the OM Lender: Cool, send T-12, rent roll, SNDAs/estoppels Seller: Also taxes reset 35% and the chiller died during diligence Me in Excel at 1:59 AM: 0.99x befor

 
 
 

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