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The CRE Humor Jokes

When 'Turnkey' Means Bring Your Own Roof

Broker: Seller says 'clean Phase I' and 'new roof' Lender: Cool—send ALTA, SNDAs, estoppels, and the 1997 RTU birth certificate Inspector: Roof is 'daylight-enabled', grease trap is a time capsule, and the fire riser is quiet quitting Me: Changing exit cap from 6.00% to 'Lord take the wheel' and padding TI/LC like a weighted blanket 😬

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Phase I: No RECs — ALTA: Hold My Easement

Broker: It’s a “simple” 1031, clean Phase I Lender: Cool—just need ALTA, estoppels, SNDA, and proof the 1987 UST isn’t still breathing Title Co: Surprise easement through your loading dock; also a 40-

 
 
 
LOI Signed, Due Diligence Summoned

Broker: LOI executed—30-day DD, easy Lender: Need estoppels, SNDA, roof cores, 2015 utility bills, and your firstborn Engineer: Foundation's fine if you like funhouse floors Me: Underwriting says 6.25

 
 
 

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