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The CRE Humor Jokes

Phase I Says Former Dry Cleaner, Lender Says Got a Minute?

Broker: It's turnkey, trust me Phase I: Former dry cleaner + USTs + mystery sheen at 3 o'clock Lender: Great, just need a reliance letter, vapor intrusion model, and $12k more reports Me: Re-trade or exorcism? Closing Friday btw šŸ˜µā€šŸ’«

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Phase I Says Recommend Phase II Speedrun

Broker: simple NNN, 30-day close Phase I ESA: former dry cleaner + mystery USTs + vapor party -> please do Phase II Lender: need O&M plan, 24-month reserves, and proof the soil meditates Me in Excel:

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Clear to Close? Lender: Hold My Conditions

Broker: We’re clear to close, IC loved it Lender: Cool—need fresh rent roll, T-12, Phase I reliance, 6 SNDAs, ALTA update, and a 1998 roof warranty Client: So we’re funding Friday? Me: Absolutely… if

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