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The CRE Humor Jokes

Boss Level Due Diligence: Phase I Tank, ALTA River, Estoppel Safari

Broker: We're 99% done Lender: Need Phase I reliance, PCA, roof cert, wetland letter, and SNDA from your cat Seller: That UST? 'Decommissioned-ish.' Also the parking lot is the neighbor's Me redoing the ALTA for the 7th time while chasing estoppels like Pokemon 🤡

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Due Diligence: Where Rent Rolls Gaslight You

Expectation: 30-day DD, clean Phase I, Friday close Reality: 1978 gas station cameo + mysterious UST "probably" removed Lender: need estoppels from all 62 tenants and an SNDA notarized by their dog Me

 
 
 
Clean Site Vibes Until Phase I Brings a Shovel

Broker: site is clean Phase I: found unknown UST, historic perc, and a raccoon with better rent rolls Lender: need vapor intrusion model, ESA addendum, no-cap indemnity, and a blood sample 🧯 Me: book

 
 
 

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