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The CRE Humor Jokes

Expectation: 6 Cap. Reality: DSCR 1.19 and a Surprise Phase II

Expectation: 6% cap, 30-day close Reality: DSCR prints 1.19, lender wants 'one tiny rent roll clarification'… from 2016 Seller: 'NNN, except roof, structure, parking, sprinklers, and mercury retrograde' Excel: turns green if deal pencils; it’s redder than my escrow balance. #REF! 4:59pm: 'Phase II?' Me: perfect timing—right after I renegotiate life 🤡

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LOI vs Credit Committee: Net Lease Horror-Comedy

Broker: LOI signed, NNN, sleepy cap. Lender: Need one more doc—the estoppel, SNDA, Phase I, Phase II (maybe), and tenant DNA. Appraisal: Value -7% because the co-tenancy clause 'gives us the ick' 🤡 C

 
 
 
DSCR, But Make It Fiction

Broker: It’s a clean deal — NNN, 6% cap, 95% leased Lender: Perfect, now send T-12, rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, roof report, Phase I, and your sanity 🙃 Client: Can we close Friday? Title: We found 2

 
 
 
Clear To Close Friday* (*Please See 86 Attachments)

Broker: We’re clear to close Friday Lender: Tiny change—need fresh rent roll, 12-month estoppels, and an SNDA from 'LLC LLC LLC' Client: Can we get a 4-handle if I say “relationship” louder? 😵‍💫 Me:

 
 
 

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