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The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence: The Horror-Comedy Nobody Asked For

Sep 13

1 min read

Broker: Clean Phase I, only a minor REC Lender: Need Phase II, vapor screen, and your first-born Title: Found a 1978 easement granting goats perpetual parking rights Client: Can we still close Friday if we waive oxygen Me: Renaming file FINAL_FINAL_v29.pdf while chasing estoppels at 2:03am 😵‍💫

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Due Diligence Speedrun: 30 Days, 300 Red Flags

Broker: DD is clean Phase I ESA: Your lot was a 1950s gas station AND a dry cleaner Seller: 'Add it to the OM as mixed-use' Me to lender at 1:59 AM: need extension, my cap rate is now pH-dependent 🧪�

DD Surprise Box: 'Clean' Listing, Dirty Secrets

Expectation: 30-day DD Reality: 29 days chasing estoppels, 1 day discovering the parking lot’s on the neighbor’s parcel Lender: Send ALTA, PCA, PZR, roof core, and your childhood immunization records

Phase I: Former Gas Station. Lender: Former Loan.

Broker: Easy value-add, trust me Phase I ESA: Former gas station, historic dry cleaner, surprise UST vibes Lender: Awesome, retrading, need vapor intrusion, ALTA update, estoppels, and your weekend 😂

The CRE Humor Jokes

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