ChatGPT Image Mar 21, 2026, 05_41_11 PM.png

The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence Starter Pack: Trust the OM, Cry in the Crawlspace

ricklahkar
Jul 8
1 min read

Expectation: 30-day close Reality: Phase I finds 'mysterious rainbow puddle' 🧪 Lender: Need estoppels, SNDAs, and a time-travel ALTA—by COB Seller: 'Roof is new-ish' (2003); OM: 'Turnkey'; my Excel: spontaneously combusts Me: Re-trade $250k? vs 1031 clock doing the Macarena—full ask it is 😅

Recent Posts

See All

When Phase I Says Former Dry Cleaner And My Soul Says Former Broker

Broker: It’s turnkey Phase I: Former dry cleaner, vapor risk, mystery USTs 🧪 PCA: Roof 'decorative'; HVAC operates on hopes and prayers Lender: Need updated budget, 36 estoppels, ALTA fixes, and a ti

Expectation: 30-Day DD. Reality: Excavating a 1978 Easement With a Teaspoon

Broker: 30-day DD, turnkey, 'tenants pay everything' Lender: need Phase I, ALTA, estoppels, SNDAs, roof cert, zoning letter, and comps from Narnia Seller: NNN = 'not not not my problem' until Section

Due Diligence Speed-Run Any% (Failed at Phase I)

Expectation: coffee + site walk Reality: 47-page environmental hit list, buried UST, and a raccoon named ‘Deferred Maint.’ 🤡 Lender: “Quick turn—just need Phase I/II, new ALTA, estoppels, SNDAs, roof

The CRE Humor Jokes

Comments