Due Diligence Starter Pack: 30-Day Close (in Dog Years)

Client: 'It’s a simple value-add, should close in 30 days.' Lender: 'Cool, just need updated T-12, 36-month rent roll, SNDA from the vape tenant, and a Phase I that certifies the dirt has no feelings.' Me: opens 14-tab model, one cell moves, cap rate drifts 25 bps, proceeds vanish faster than TI/LC. 🧮 Seller at 4:59pm Friday: 'We’ve got a 1031 buyer unless you go hard now.' Me: aging in dog years ☠️