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The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence Speedrun: Broker Says Clean, Phase I Finds a Dry Cleaner

Oct 14

1 min read

Broker: “It’s a clean deal.” Phase I ESA: “We found a 1978 dry cleaner and a mystery tank.” 😵‍💫 Lender: “Need ALTA, estoppels, SNDA, roof cert, and audited T-12 by 5pm.” Me at 2am: Re-underwriting while the roof leaks on the pro forma—cap rate on fire 🔥

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Broker: DD is clean Phase I ESA: Your lot was a 1950s gas station AND a dry cleaner Seller: 'Add it to the OM as mixed-use' Me to lender at 1:59 AM: need extension, my cap rate is now pH-dependent 🧪�

DD Surprise Box: 'Clean' Listing, Dirty Secrets

Expectation: 30-day DD Reality: 29 days chasing estoppels, 1 day discovering the parking lot’s on the neighbor’s parcel Lender: Send ALTA, PCA, PZR, roof core, and your childhood immunization records

Phase I: Former Gas Station. Lender: Former Loan.

Broker: Easy value-add, trust me Phase I ESA: Former gas station, historic dry cleaner, surprise UST vibes Lender: Awesome, retrading, need vapor intrusion, ALTA update, estoppels, and your weekend 😂

The CRE Humor Jokes

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