ChatGPT Image Mar 21, 2026, 05_41_11 PM.png

The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence Speedrun: 30 Days of Nope in 4 Emails

ricklahkar
Jun 27
1 min read

Buyer: We just need a clean Phase I and estoppels Lender: Also need PCA, ALTA with Table A 1-20, zoning comfort, flood cert, rent roll v12 Seller: We don't do estoppels. Also, there's a mystery easement and the roof has personality Me on Day 29: Found an unpermitted mezzanine over an underground tank. Cap rate: evaporated 🤡

Recent Posts

See All

Due Diligence: Where LOIs Go To Die (And My Sanity Too)

Expectation: 30-day DD, clean Phase I, easy close Reality: ALTA says half the parking is 'floating'; Phase I finds a 90s dry cleaner ghost; appraiser on PTO Broker: closing Friday Lender: need fresh T

Phase I Said 'Minor REC' And My Cap Rate Started Screaming

Broker: DD is light; me opens data room: FINAL_v12_FINAL2 😵‍💫 Lender: need one more thing—PCA, updated ALTA, zoning letter, 10 estoppels, SNDA from ghost tenant Phase I: minor REC (1997 dry cleaner

When the ALTA hits and your pro forma taps out

Broker: Off-market, 'light lift' 🧮 My model: 47 tabs, 19 IRR cases, cell G37 chained to a prayer Lender: Need refreshed Phase I, ALTA v3, estoppels, SNDAs, and your Q4 soul Seller: BTW NOI includes m

The CRE Humor Jokes

Comments