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The CRE Humor Jokes

Broker Said 'Slam Dunk,' Lender Brought a Rulebook, Appraiser Brought a Time Machine

Broker: 30-day close, easy Lender: send T-12, T-3, current rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, wet sigs, and your blood type Appraiser: as-is value assumes the roof isn't crying and tenant options aren't imaginary Me at 2 a.m.: Argus open, PCA says 'replace everything,' and my coffee has a debt service reserve šŸ˜µā€šŸ’«

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DSCR Dreams vs Appraisal Screams (CRE Lender Boss Fight)

Broker: We underwrote 6.25% cap, 65% LTV, clean Phase I—let’s close Friday Lender: cool—after market-rent haircut, 12-month TI/LC reserve, and 1.35 DSCR ā€˜post-armageddon’, proceeds are 51% Appraiser:

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Appraiser Brought a 2021 Comp to a 2026 Knife Fight

Broker: T12 scrubbed, 6-cap, Phase I squeaky. Let’s close. Lender: DSCR 1.249 so… escrows, rate cap, and a blood sample. Appraiser: Used a 'nearby' comp 19 miles away behind a cornfield—value: vibes.

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