Expectation: DSCR 1.35x on the broker pro forma Reality: T-12 says 1.19x after 'misc' snow plow and free rent hits Lender: please upload rent roll, estoppels, SNDA, and your sanity 😅 Title: surprise utility easement through the lobby 🚧 Me in Excel at 2am: adding back 'non-recurring rats' to make a 6.25 cap close

Client: We close Friday? Me (broker): After title, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, roof report, CAM audit, and a sacrificial spreadsheet Lender: Need rent roll notarized, zoning comfort, and an environmental letter from the Jurassic Seller: Also… minor detail: underground storage tank waved 👋 Me at 1:02 AM: Re-underwriting like it’s cardio 😵‍💫

Broker: Tour’s at 9, easy win Property Manager: Also at 9, fire alarm test—it’s a 'brand activation' Lender: Need Phase I, II, III, estoppels, and a roof cert by yesterday Client: So still a 200 bps price cut, or do we get free coffee? Me: Updating the model while the HVAC screams in D minor ☕️😵‍💫

Broker: It's a slam dunk at 65% LTV Lender: Make it 55%, DSCR diet starts today Appraiser: Found comps from a goat farm - same 'utility' Me at 1:59 AM: Recasting T12, renaming tabs 'Please Work v28' 😂

Broker: TI is light—paint, carpet, vibes GC: Found $480k in 'surprise' electrical from 1974 Lender: Please re-underwrite with 19 new stress tests by noon Me at 2:13 AM: Adding 'emotional support contingency' so the 6.5% yield still pencils 🧮😂

Broker: 'Pro forma is conservative' Excel: IFERROR(IF(DSCR>=1.25,'we're fine','lol'),'excel crimes unit notified') Lender: please explain $0 TI/LC on a 1984 office Me: it's called faith-based underwriting 🙃📊