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The CRE Humor Jokes

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I Modeled 1.30x DSCR, Lender Modeled My Tears

Broker: Underwrote 1.30x DSCR, 6 cap, clean T-12—let’s party Lender: Apply 15% “economic vacancy,” 3 stress tests, and send as PDF, XLSX, and cave painting Appraiser: Used comps from a goat farm and a 2009 Sears—value “surprisingly conservative” 🤡 Client: Rate was 5.75% right? Reality: SOFR + vibes + points; Me: reopening Excel for the 8th time ☕

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Term Sheet Says Yes, Appraisal Says LOL

Broker: LOI signed, lender nodding, I preorder the 'Closed' banner Lender: send updated T-12, live rent roll, and proof the roof isn’t a rumor Appraiser: found comps from a C-minus two zip codes away—

 
 
 
When the Appraiser Nukes Your Cap Rate at 4:59 PM

Broker: It pencils at 6.25% cap, T-12 trending up, pro forma tight Lender: Committee wants actuals, SNDAs, and my weekend Appraiser: Calls it 'stabilized' then shaves 12% because a 2009 comp sneezed M

 
 
 

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