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The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence Starter Pack: Phase I, Roof Leak, DSCR Yoga

Expectation: 30-day close, clean Phase I, 6.25% cap, estoppels by Friday Reality: Phase I flags a REC by a 90s dry cleaner, roof is vintage, CAM math is interpretive 🧮 Lender: please upload SNDAs, updated rent roll, 3 years CAM recs, and proof the tenant exists Me at 3:02am: re-underwriting NOI after minor HVAC death, whispering DSCR affirmations šŸ˜µā€šŸ’«

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Phase I Said 'Minor REC' And My Cap Rate Started Screaming

Broker: DD is light; me opens data room: FINAL_v12_FINAL2 šŸ˜µā€šŸ’« Lender: need one more thing—PCA, updated ALTA, zoning letter, 10 estoppels, SNDA from ghost tenant Phase I: minor REC (1997 dry cleaner

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When the ALTA hits and your pro forma taps out

Broker: Off-market, 'light lift' 🧮 My model: 47 tabs, 19 IRR cases, cell G37 chained to a prayer Lender: Need refreshed Phase I, ALTA v3, estoppels, SNDAs, and your Q4 soul Seller: BTW NOI includes m

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