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The CRE Humor Jokes

Due Diligence Speedrun (Any%): Phase I vs My Sanity

Expectation: 30-day close 🧪 Reality: Phase I finds 'mystery drums' and the ALTA maps an easement to Narnia Lender: Need one more doc—47 estoppels, an SNDA from a tenant who went remote in 2018, and your BOI at sunrise 😵 Me re-underwriting at 2 a.m.: DSCR pencils if the roof cash-flows and the parking lot becomes value-add

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Phase I Said 'Minor REC' And My Cap Rate Started Screaming

Broker: DD is light; me opens data room: FINAL_v12_FINAL2 šŸ˜µā€šŸ’« Lender: need one more thing—PCA, updated ALTA, zoning letter, 10 estoppels, SNDA from ghost tenant Phase I: minor REC (1997 dry cleaner

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When the ALTA hits and your pro forma taps out

Broker: Off-market, 'light lift' 🧮 My model: 47 tabs, 19 IRR cases, cell G37 chained to a prayer Lender: Need refreshed Phase I, ALTA v3, estoppels, SNDAs, and your Q4 soul Seller: BTW NOI includes m

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