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The CRE Humor Jokes

CTC By Friday? My Excel Said LOL And The Phase I Said Dry Cleaner

ricklahkar
May 10
1 min read

Broker: CTC by Friday Lender: Just one doc—roof report, 10yr HVAC logs, Phase I that doesn’t whisper former dry cleaner Seller: Rent roll is clean (Suite B exists spiritually; meters are vibes) Me in Excel: IRR 18% until cell C42 remembers real taxes + CAM true-up 😐 Tenant at 9:59pm: Need SNDA, 6 months free, and a goat-friendly use clause 🐐

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Expectation: 5 Cap, Reality: Tenant Pays in Vibes

Broker: Stabilized, 98% occupied, turn-key asset Lender: Cool, just need rent roll, 12 estoppels, SNDA, updated ALTA, and your firstborn Me in Excel at 2:47am: NOI says yes, roof, HVAC, and CAMs say l

When the Lender Says One More Item for the 47th Time

Broker: LOI signed, easy close Lender: Need T-12, rent roll, SNDA, estoppels, Phase I, ALTA survey, and your blood type Appraiser: Using a 2013 Kmart comp; value says your cap rate is a bedtime story

Clear to Close* (*Until Lender Remembers Global Cash Flow)

Broker: LOI signed, victory lap Lender: Need SNDA, updated estoppels, 12-month roof reserve, and your left shoe Landlord: NNNs reconcile after CAM true-up, security guard, and 47 'misc.' line items Cl

The CRE Humor Jokes

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