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The CRE Humor Jokes

Closing Day Starter Pack: Estoppels, T-12s, and Surprise Indoor Waterfall

Expectation: Close Friday 10am, brunch by 11 Reality: 7 missing estoppels, lender wants a 'fresh' T-12, and the roof chose today to audition as a waterfall šŸ˜µā€šŸ’« Me updating the model: DSCR went feral; Tenant #4 pays in vibes; CAM recs from 2019 still 'pending' Seller: 'It’s NNN.' Leases: 'NN...sometimes.' Inspector: 'Nice koi pond on the deck.' Me: That’s the leak 🧯

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NNN 'Easy Deal' Speedrun: Broker vs Lender vs Client

Broker: It’s a vanilla NNN, clean Phase I, we coast to close Lender: Need 12 months trailing, 3 estoppels, roof warranty from 1997, and the tenant’s favorite cereal Client: Can we close Friday if we s

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DSCR Olympics: Broker Says 1.30, Lender Brings a Microscope

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30 DSCR, seller covers CAM, easy close Lender: After ā€˜normalized’ vacancy, true taxes, roof reserve… 1.09 Appraiser: Best comp is a llama farm with a drive-thru, still ā€˜market’

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When DSCR Won’t Commit But My Coffee Will

Client: Can we close Friday? Lender: Send updated T-12, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1978 Me opening Excel: why does CAM math have 19 tabs and a hidden sorcery sheet ā˜ ļø DSCR

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