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The CRE Humor Jokes

Cap Rate Catfish: When 'Pro Forma' Uses a Beauty Filter

ricklahkar
May 16
1 min read

Expectation: 6.25% cap, turnkey Reality: CAM 'TBD', roof 'historic', DSCR doing limbo at 1.15x Lender: Underwrite at SOFR+whiplash and add a meteor vacancy test Me: Fighting circular refs in a 32-tab model like it's Mortal Excel 🧮😵‍💫

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Expectation: 5 Cap, Reality: Tenant Pays in Vibes

Broker: Stabilized, 98% occupied, turn-key asset Lender: Cool, just need rent roll, 12 estoppels, SNDA, updated ALTA, and your firstborn Me in Excel at 2:47am: NOI says yes, roof, HVAC, and CAMs say l

When the Lender Says One More Item for the 47th Time

Broker: LOI signed, easy close Lender: Need T-12, rent roll, SNDA, estoppels, Phase I, ALTA survey, and your blood type Appraiser: Using a 2013 Kmart comp; value says your cap rate is a bedtime story

Clear to Close* (*Until Lender Remembers Global Cash Flow)

Broker: LOI signed, victory lap Lender: Need SNDA, updated estoppels, 12-month roof reserve, and your left shoe Landlord: NNNs reconcile after CAM true-up, security guard, and 47 'misc.' line items Cl

The CRE Humor Jokes

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