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The CRE Humor Jokes

Cap Rate Catfish: Turnkey Until You Turn the Key

Expectation: Turnkey 6% cap, zero deferred maintenance Reality: roof older than my license, HVAC wheezing in Morse code 🧯, estoppels signed by the dog Lender: need final rent roll + updated T-12; Excel: #REF! as a service Seller: no issues; Title: three surprise liens and a buried UCC; Me: casually screaming šŸ˜µā€šŸ’«

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NNN 'Easy Deal' Speedrun: Broker vs Lender vs Client

Broker: It’s a vanilla NNN, clean Phase I, we coast to close Lender: Need 12 months trailing, 3 estoppels, roof warranty from 1997, and the tenant’s favorite cereal Client: Can we close Friday if we s

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DSCR Olympics: Broker Says 1.30, Lender Brings a Microscope

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30 DSCR, seller covers CAM, easy close Lender: After ā€˜normalized’ vacancy, true taxes, roof reserve… 1.09 Appraiser: Best comp is a llama farm with a drive-thru, still ā€˜market’

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When DSCR Won’t Commit But My Coffee Will

Client: Can we close Friday? Lender: Send updated T-12, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1978 Me opening Excel: why does CAM math have 19 tabs and a hidden sorcery sheet ā˜ ļø DSCR

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