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The CRE Humor Jokes

Broker vs Lender vs Owner: The DSCR Hunger Games

Broker: LOI signed, 30-day close, vibes immaculate Lender: need updated rent roll, 12 estoppels, SNDA, ALTA, Phase I, and a blood oath Owner: as-is, but add $45/SF TI, 6 months free, and that roof warranty from 1998 Me in Excel: IRR 17% -> after CAM true-up and re-trade, it waves goodbye 😵 Credit committee: parking ratio 3.8 not 4.0, circle back next cycle šŸ˜‚

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NNN 'Easy Deal' Speedrun: Broker vs Lender vs Client

Broker: It’s a vanilla NNN, clean Phase I, we coast to close Lender: Need 12 months trailing, 3 estoppels, roof warranty from 1997, and the tenant’s favorite cereal Client: Can we close Friday if we s

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DSCR Olympics: Broker Says 1.30, Lender Brings a Microscope

Broker: It’s a clean 1.30 DSCR, seller covers CAM, easy close Lender: After ā€˜normalized’ vacancy, true taxes, roof reserve… 1.09 Appraiser: Best comp is a llama farm with a drive-thru, still ā€˜market’

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When DSCR Won’t Commit But My Coffee Will

Client: Can we close Friday? Lender: Send updated T-12, estoppels, SNDA, Phase I, and proof the roof isn’t from 1978 Me opening Excel: why does CAM math have 19 tabs and a hidden sorcery sheet ā˜ ļø DSCR

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