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The CRE Humor Jokes

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Broker Promised 8 Cap; Excel Called HR

Broker: OM shows 8% cap, turnkey My Excel: After T-12, tax reset, and 30 bps of lender mood swings… 4.2% 📉 Lender: Please resend model with 19 scenarios, DSCR >= 1.25, and Mars-gravity sensitivity Me: Back-solving IRR while the roof disclosure hits at 11:59 PM—“vintage” = leaks 💀

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DSCR Catfished Me: Excel Did a Pro Forma Crime

Broker: 6-cap day one, trust Lender: Send T-12, T-3, rent roll, and proof your VLOOKUPs aren't crimes Me moves one $ in Excel: DSCR 1.01 -> 1.25 ✨ Excel: Circular reference; you added CapEx to NOI. Mo

 
 
 
Broker vs Lender vs Reality: The DSCR Hunger Games

Broker: Pro forma DSCR 1.35x, day one Lender: Cool—send T-12/T-3, Argus export, estoppels, SNDAs, Phase I, PCA, and your soul Excel: Circular reference; negative leverage; capex tab hiding like Bigfoo

 
 
 
Excel Committed a Felony on My DSCR

Broker: DSCR 1.30, easy win Lender: After a 'quick' stress test—DSCR 1.09 Excel: I nudged one date and your 10-year cash flow flatlined 😂 Me: Re-trading 50 bps via midnight email while the PSA timer

 
 
 

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